On Tuesday, I hit the lowest of my blue day segments. God knows I prayed as my head hit the pillow, and later as I knelt in my closet after I pushed to get out of bed. Monday, had been good after many gloomy days, so why did I feel this heaviness again. I didn’t want it, but couldn’t shake it off no matter how much I pleaded with God.
I ran errands with my oldest daughter then came home to start dinner. Maybe it’s time to get back on antidepressants. Silent tears rolled down my cheeks as I contemplated pros and cons to continue living. I went into a very dark place in mind and was interrupted by my phone ringing. Mom’s face sprang across the screen.
I debated if to answer partly because I was in no mood of talking but also because most of the time she rings, she meant to call someone else, or she sat on her phone and didn’t realize she dialed me. I answered just in case it was an emergency.
“Hello?” No answer. Then I heard my dad praying in the background. Despite my sadness I smiled. She had accidentally dialed me during a prayer meeting.
I was about to hang up when she said “Are you there Jessica?”
“Uh yeah.” I walked back to the stove confused at why she would call during prayer.
“I’m going to pass you Damaris.”
“Who’s Damaris?” I stirred my pan baffled by the situation.
“You don’t know her and she doesn’t know you. (My parents are in Mexico BTW and I don’know half of the people they interact with.) We came to pray for her because she wasn’t feeling well, but ever since we got here she hasn’t stop saying your name.”
“What?” She has my full attention.
“She keeps on saying, “My daughter Jessica, oh my beloved Jessica. I love you. She doesn’t have a daughter Jessica, I think this message is for you. I’m going to put the phone next to her.”
My mom wasn’t even done talking when I let out a wrteched cry as I turned off the stove and heard the following.
“Oh, my beloved Jessica, I love you. You are mine. Ever since I formed you in your mother’s womb you are mine. Oh, my beloved Jessica.”
Can this truly be God?
“I am! You are my daughter and I am your God. Oh, my beloved Jessica.”
I was on my face sobbing.
Who am I that the Lord will speak to me like this?
“You are my daughter. And your daughters are mine. Praise me! There is strength when you praise me. Get up from there and go yell at the four winds that I am your God and you my daughter. Take out the banner of victory and don’t be afraid because I am with you, oh my beloved Jessica. Don’t listen to the negativity and return to your first love. Oh, my beloved Jessica.”
I am unworthy of this experience. To have Him reveal himself in my darkest moment when not even my mother knew I was battling depression a country away from her, contemplating the value of life. God is not bound by distance and there is limit to His power. He is worthy of all the praise and is the same yesterday and today. He sees when we are hurting and hold us when we can’t go on. After many days of asking Him and not feeling a response, I was barely holding on to the thread of hope. But He heard me and rescued me. He will rescue you also no matter your need. Hold on! And praise Him!
This is me shouting to the four winds. He is my God and I am His daughter!!! I will make it for He is with me. The victory is mine. Thank you Jesus! I love you, my God and my beloved Savior!!